Home Penial Self-Surgery Procedure

Subject: Home Penial Self-Surgery Procedure
From: gbernath@usa.edu (Gregory Bernath)
Date: Sat, 5 Mar 1994 00:20:20 GMT
Organization: your education tax dollars at work
Lines: 282


I once chopped pieces of foreskin off my penis with a pair of cuticle scissors.

Now that I've got your attention, I'll go back and tell the whole story. Apologies if it gets a little lengthy, but this yarn deserves to be spun well.

BACKGROUND

After I was circumcised as an infant, the wound was not taken care of with sufficient diligence, and it healed incorrectly. Portions of the raw edge of the remaining foreskin bonded to the glans, a little bit above the lower edge of the glans. This left a series of "skin bridges", basically sections of foreskin which can't be retracted, because they are fused to the glans at one end and the shaft at the other. These varied in width from about 1/16" to 1/4", and were attached off and on over about 2/3 of the circumference.

This was never a major problem. It was a long time before I even realized it was abnormal. Everything functioned properly, but there were a few minor problems with it which made me wish I could fix it. Mainly,

1. It was a cosmetic defect -- it didn't look good.

2. It was tough to keep clean under the bridges -- I had to swab it with a Q-tip now and then to knock down smegma buildup.

3. Some of the most sensitive parts of the glans were hidden under relatively insensitive chunks of foreskin, robbing me of the proper stimulation which was mine and every man's birthright.

Over the past few years, I'd been thinking of getting it corrected, but there were problems. Doctors cost money, and I didn't have it, and student insurance sure wasn't gonna cover it. Plus, the thought of some strange doctor chopping at my peepeehead gives me chills.

Now, all a doctor would do it sterilize it, numb it, cut it and bandage it. "Hell, maybe I can do that!", I thought. The problem was how to kill the pain. I experimented with cutting myself (with an x-acto knife), but seeing as it always hurt like hell before I even cut anything, I never went through with it.

Recently, I came back and studied the situation. Again, the problem with the self-surgery approach was dealing with pain. There had to be some way of numbing the area, but how? One winter day, it hit me. If cold can make fingers go numb, then cold can also make a ManTool[tm] go numb. With this in mind, I pioneered a the "home penile self-surgery procedure".

SURGERY KIT

Cuticle scissors (1 pair)
Rubbing alcohol (1 bottle)
Antibiotic ointment (1 tube)
Anti-bacterial soap (1 bottle)
Gauze pads (lots, various sizes)
Ice cubes (iodine added to water for sterility)
Clean Washcloth (freshly laundered with lots'o bleach)
Well-lit work area (the kitchen table)

PROCEDURE

Wipe down work area with alcohol. Clean penis with soap and water, then with alcohol. Wash hands thoroughly. Soak scissors in alcohol.

Holding the ice cube with the washcloth (to prevent your fingers from going numb), apply the ice cube to the target area. Hold for 5 to 10 minutes, until area is numb.

Using the cuticle scissors, sever the skin bridge as closely as possible to its connection with the glans. Then sever the foreskin end of the bridge in such a location as to leave an even edge on the foreskin.

Use gauze pads and direct pressure to stop the bleeding, then apply antibiotic ointment and bandage.

THE OPERATIONS

Though the operations are not painful if done correctly, the healing process is a real pain in the ass. It also takes a certain state of mind to be able to cut your own flesh. I would kind of put myself into robo-man zombie mode for the operations, in that I never dwelled on what I was doing, I just mechanically plodded through all the steps without thinking about how totally gross it was.

Since the ice cube could only numb a small portion of the penis, and since I could only tolerate so much trauma to my dick in one session, it took 6 separate operations, spread out over a two week period, to cut/remove all of the skin bridges.

Operation #1 (Day 1)

The test cut. I chose a small thin skin bridge, about 1/16" across. I held the ice cube on for 5 minutes. The ice caused a peculiar kind of "cold ache", but it wasn't that bad. I gingerly made the cuts, and sliced through with no pain at all. There was some minor bleeding, but because
of the speed at which I worked, I had finished and had the gauze on it before the wound had any chance to bleed significantly. After about 10 minutes the bleeding was stopped and I bandaged it up, no problem at all. Only a tiny little speck of flesh had been removed, rather unimpressive looking.

Operation #2 (Day 3)

Operation #1 turned out so well, I decided to go for big game this time. The target was the mother of all skin bridges, about 1/4" across and very thick and meaty.
Again, I made the preparations and applied ice for 5
minutes.

I made the first cut along the glans, and was surprised at how much I had to bear down on the scissors. This skin was surprisingly tough. I finished that cut, and then turned my attention to the cut on the foreskin side. Wanting to get it done quickly, I decided that two large, powerful snips should do the job. I bore down and made the first cut, and realized with a shock that IT HURT LIKE HELL.

Well, it turns out that due to the thickness of the skin bridge on that end, the cold hadn't penetrated deeply enough, and it hadn't gone numb. So, I was left with a problem. I had a half severed bit of foreskin hanging off me, and no anesthetic. My only recourse was to finish the
cut. I thought, "Shit. This will hurt.". So I lined up the scissors, closed my eyes, and as quickly and powerfully as I could, I made the snip. My prediction was correct; it did hurt (don't you hate when you're right about things like that?). I managed to avoid shouting out, instead opting for a few simple gasps and whimpers.

I resolved to hold the ice on for much longer in future operations.

Being that this was a bigger cut than the first, it bled much more profusely. It took about 20 minutes of direct pressure and a lot of gauze until I could staunch the main flow. Even then it kept oozing blood for a few hours. I spent the rest of the evening with nothing on below the waist, sitting in front of the TV with a few brews (this became standard procedure for all forthcoming operations). Any motion tended to make it break open and bleed again, so I moved around very little. I was functioning (that is, walking) almost normally again by the next day, but it took about 5 days before this one completely stopped oozing blood.

As I gingerly hobbled back into the kitchen for another brew, I spotted IT, the severed hunk-o-foreskin that I had left on the table. It was of fairly good size, about 1/2" by 1/4" and maybe as thick as a piece of bacon. Suddenly, strange thoughts entered my skull, and a raging
mental battle between good and evil ensued.

EVIL: "Eat the foreskin."
GOOD: "Don't do it!! That's gross!!"
EVIL: "Eat the foreskin."
GOOD: "Stop thinking about it!!"
EVIL: "You know what you must do. Eat it. It is your destiny."
GOOD: "But that's cannibalism!"
EVIL: "So what?"
GOOD: "Cannibalism is shunned for a reason! It spreads diseases!"
EVIL: "Look dipshit. It's your own fucking flesh. Any diseases in there, you already got."
GOOD: "But it's SELF-cannibalism!"
EVIL: "So is chewing on the piece of skin you bit off your fingertip. BFD."
GOOD: "But this is weird, deranged and perverted!"
EVIL: "Exactly"
GOOD: (Hauls its sorry whupped ass away and shuts up)

So, I ate it. Turns out it was very tough and chewy, kind of like biting a little piece of rubber. I chewed for about 5 minutes, but didn't make any progress on breaking it down, so I swallowed it. It had a little bit of blood flavor at first, but after that it had no flavor at all; rather disappointing in that respect. Maybe I should have cooked it.

Operation #3 (Day 10)

A medium sized cut. I held the ice cube on much longer (10 minutes instead of 5), so there was no problem with pain. Not nearly as much bleeding, but still a respectable amount.

A word about erections: they were a bad thing. Any hard-on would tear the wounds open and start them bleeding again. This would be a problem for about 3 or 4 days until the wounds had healed sufficiently. Basically, I had to spend a long, long time without even thinking a nasty thought. Of course, when I was asleep I had no control over the process, which would always result in me waking up with a dick that hurt and bloody bandages. I was really lovin' life at moments like these.

Operation #4 (Day 12)

Another medium sized cut, but with the added bonus of having a small vein (about 1 mm in diameter) running through the skin bridge. Now, the blood supply for the penis mainly runs through blood vessels buried deep inside. When you get down the the small vessels, the
circulatory system becomes more of a spiderweb, with redundant paths going to every point. So I knew it wasn't actually dangerous to cut it, but it was still a kind of psychological obstacle. I expected this one to be a heavy bleeder, and I wasn't disappointed. It took about a full hour of direct pressure to get the severed ends of the vein to close up. Otherwise, not too much of a problem.

Operation #5 (Day 14)

I was planning on more time to let the others heal, but due to changes in the way skin tension was being applied to the remaining bridges (because I'd cut some others away), one small bridge was getting a lot of stress and starting to hurt. So I chopped it quick and easy, no real problems.

Operation #6 (Day 15)

The problem with operation #5 was that it just transferred the stress to the next bridge down the line. So even though I had about 3/4" of flesh left to cut, I resolved to do it all at once in one last cutting frenzy.

Due to the size of the operation, it took a while to complete (maybe 1 minute total), which gave the blood a chance to flow. I had to stop a few times and wipe away blood so I could see what I was doing. Strangely, this didn't bother me at all. It seemed perfectly normal that I
should be wiping up copious amounts of blood flowing from my bleeding pecker which I had sliced open myself. Actually, it seemed kind of cool at the time, which led me to speculate at the time that I had gone insane, which I also thought was pretty cool.

Anyway, except for the excess blood which had dripped on to the chair, it went quite well. The only thing that really grossed me out was when I noticed I had blood all over my hands. If any psychoanalysts want to analyze that tidbit for me, feel free, though I really don't care.

The wounds are now completely healed, and the results are good. Mainly:

1. There are no scars to speak of, just a few bumps on the glans. This is because I didn't trim the flesh quite close enough in a few spots. They kind of resembling little warts. I thought about going back and trimming them off, but I kind of like 'em now. After all, it's not everyone
who has the privilege of appearing to have warts, with actually being diseased.

2. Without the skin tension holding things back, total dick length has increased by 1/4". (Of course I've measured the length of my dick. Like you haven't?)

3. It's a great topic for dinnertime conversation. Women generally seem to find it quite interesting. Men generally turn kind of pale.

With my newfound surgical skills, I've been contemplating a few more self-surgical procedures. You know, mole removal, wart removal, nose jobs, the whole vista of cosmetic surgery. I'll need some help for that mole on my back, which means training an assistant. Ah,
the future looks interesting indeed ...
--
Greg Bernath gbernath@usa.edu

[LONG] Joys of Rimming

From alt.tasteless Mon Dec 12 18:04:59 1994
From: jimmo@kimber.uk.moon.com (Jim)
Subject: [LONG] Joys of Rimming
Date: 5 Dec 1994 10:21:58 GMT
Lines: 128
Distribution: world


Are you sitting comfortably?


It all happened last summer. It was an arid day in Jaipur when I was there. I roamed the streets at a leisurely amble, trying to scratch my gusset through my trousers because the sweat that lubricated my buttocks was itching like buggery.

Anyway, as I scuffed a dusty path through the streets of seedy backwater Jaipur, I noticed some local prostitutes. Unlike a significant proportion of whores in north India, these were not eunuchs. It all started as a religious thing, castration. However, now woman-wannabes become eunuchs for fun and for a source of income. Basically, here is what happens. First, the genitals (penis and scrotum) of the eunuch-to-be are tied with an inch wide strip of material, making the genitalia protrude further from the abdomen. Then, after prayer (well advised prayer too), the headeunuch (I can't remember what the name for him/it is) takes a large, sharp kitchen knife and slices off the genitals. Without an anaesthetic, of course. The groaning, contorted mass that gibbers in agony on the ground is left without medical treatment as it is up to the Gods to decide whether he lives or dies (through bleeding to death).

If the eunuch lives, the pulpy genital remains are plopped into a hole in the ground. Now, if you've had a wedding in India, you will know that the eunuchs come to the wedding and have to be bribed to go away otherwise they will lift their saris and show off their vertical smiles!

Anyway, I digress. There were these prostitutes and, by God, they were decidedly ropey looking hags...a full double-antler on the moose-scale! But they had two redeeming features:

1. They were very, very cheap.
2. They would do absolutely fucking ANYTHING for money.

Point 2 put life in my heat-striken love sausage. So I picked the leastscabby one and waved 100 rupees at her. Ha! She was MINE!

Er, at this point I should mention that there are some stunning women in those parts of Asia, not just the orient. I say that before you think I am implying that this scabid, moth-eaten old fuckrag is the norm over there.

Still, I went back to her shack (a mud and corrugated iron structure setback from the heat) and got to work.

I sat on the, er, collection of hessian sacks that served as a bed and positioned her in front of me. I reached round her waist and untucked the fold in her grubby cotton sari that holds the whole damn thing on. I took the free end and passed it round her waist...about four damn times, then over her shoulder. Then it just fell away.

I stared in awe at her. She assumed that was because I found her attractive so she smiled at me. Her smile basically entailed the retraction of the rubbery, flaky skin around her mouth to reveal a couple of yellow stumps in swollen, blood-stained gums. Her breasts hung like pool-balls in a pair of stockings. Her malnutrition had produced a cute little pot-belly, like the
ones you see on the "feed the starving" newsreels. I ran the tips of my fingers up her ricket-bent legs, over her thighs and across the two bits of flappy kebab-meat that hung from her vagina like curtains in a dolls house. Fascinated, I parted the distended lips to see small semi-white spots peppered across her labia. They looked rather like large mouth ulcers. I don't think they hurt her much because when I touched the tip of my tongue to one of the tart summits, she didn't flinch. The taste of her lips was decidedly sharp, rather like the negative pole of a 9v battery! As I was indulging in the yeast-feast, an idea dawned! So I stood up, turned her around and pushed her down into a kneeling position on the ramshackle bed. I clasped a wrinkled buttock in each hand and splayed them apart, revealing one of the most filthy sphincters I have ever seen! Evidently, this old trollop had been suffering from dysentry! I gawped at her anus, which puckered and dilated in rhythm with her breathing. Moist traces of semi-liquid stool lined the inner wall of her anal crater. Tastless I may be, but my tongue is not! I grabbed a bit of her sari and have the whole cheesy area a quick wipe, leaving a musty brown skid across the material.

Okay, I thought, time for me to indulge in the most tasteless rimming I have ever, ever given. I leant toward her waiting cornhole, pausing only to catch my breath as a pungent draft of anal exhalation wafted out to meet me. It would take more than a fetid fart to stop me! But, as my
lips encircled her nether-kisser, the fart that escaped previously was obviously not alone. There was just a little follow through. No sooner had my tongue rasped across the anal squid-ring than I felt a tiny warmth spread across it. This warmth was swiftly followed by a taste that is damn near undescribable. You know how some things taste like other things smell? Well this taste was exactly like the smell of a pile of rotting vegetables and cheese. A cheese with more blue veins than a tourniqued cock!

I had to withdraw. I scraped the surface of my tongue across the underside of my teeth, as if to remove early-morning post-beer tongue-carpet. I spat into the grey dust. There, intertwined with my sputum, was a string of pale brown excrement. I felt the bile in my stomach rise up my gullet with that kind of nausea that signals an unstoppable barf. Desperate to maintain my balance, I leaned against the wizened rump of the prostitute. She was, of course, off balance with her ass stuck in the air and she fell onto the bed. The vomit was starting to push between my fingers like meat through a free-flow mincer and I had to let rip. I regurgitated a bitter and bilious curry-based chunder over her sprawling nakedness. I couldn't really tell but I thought I
saw, through bleared teary eyes, a visage of disgust on her face. However, she must have thought this was what she was being paid for and so, with a decidedly aggrieved look, she tentatively started to smear the vomit over her breasts.

I found this incredibly sexy! Without a word, I rolled her over onto her slightly bloated belly, which made a slight squelching sound as her gut displaced the exhumed contents of my stomach. I reached between her legs and scooped a handful of cooling retch over the tufts and crevice of her backside. Then, after hastily unbuttoning my cotton pants, I climbed on top of her. The stench was damn near erection-withering! Anyway, I nuzzled the muzzle of my member against her sphincter and rubbed in gentle circles to pick up some lube from the bile. It stung a bit, actually. I pushed forward and slid into her rectal tract with too much ease, the kind of ease that says "Hey Boy! This ain't her first time up the shitter!"

Basically, there ensued a truly tasteless butt-fuck which doesn't need description as I'm sure you all know. :-) Anyway, it was the withdrawl that really did me in! After I pulled out, I looked down at my exhausted bijja and a opalescent sheen of blood, sweat, bile and the odd skid. To cap it all, there was a soft khaki pinnacle of bugger-mud on the end! I paid the crone Rs. 500/- and bid her farewell.

Jim.

King Shit

King Shit (by Checkered Demon 1, circa 1991)

All these excrement stories are stirring up memories of a fine foul day, some 12 years ago, when my little brother decided to give anal birth to the biggest turd I have ever seen.

I was raised, in typical appalachian style, as poor white trash without running water. The outhouse is the center of many fond and wondrous memories for me; spiders, the combination of summer heat and the overpowering stench of centuries-old feces and urine allowed to fester, wasps, billions of biting flies, freezing cold winters, and little or no privacy available. But then, I am tasteless. My brother is not.

To his little-kid brain, the outhouse was a place of great terror and fear. He had been stung, as I remember, one time while trying his first on-my-own poop. He was terrified, and decided that the shitter was a BAD place, and little kids didn't even poop in bad places. So, with that knowledge, he decided. "I am not going to poop anymore."

My parents and I first noticed his odd behavior four days into his Ironman Sphincterclench Endurance Competition. He seemed to be sick, as he would occasionally get glassy-eyed and stand in deep concentration. Mom was concerned, but didn't say much other than "Are you feeling well? Are you sick?"

He was fine, he just hadn't shit in four days. And, his little-kid brain had neglected to realize that if you don't want to shit anymore, you must AT LEAST cut down on the amount of food you intake. If anything, he doubled the amount of food he ate, since he was not going to have to poop anymore.

He tells me now that day four was the worst day. After that, his butt seemed to enjoy the vacation, and didn't mind letting its work pile up, so to speak. Days five and six passed without much difference, but his odd attacks seemed to be more frequent and of a little more intensity than before, but a lot briefer. Mom really began to get worried. She thought he might be epileptic.

Day seven rolls around with a force that would not be denied much longer. Struggle and strain though he did, my brother decided that it was better to do that than ever have to dump anymore. He tells me that at this point, he had decided to poop again, but was afraid to, because of what might actually come out of his butt. (His brain, most likely). And the final clincher, he has an anal spasm during a vacation bible school meeting, and they bring him home because THEY think he is having an epileptic fit. I would wager that my anus would have puckered up about that time as well. Also, I'll bet that several of them thought he was going to speak in tongues, and kiss a rattlesnake, or somethinglike that.

Mom would not let him talk his way out of this; the truth had to come out. He confessed his crime against nature, and said he would start shitting again if Mom swore she wouldn't punish him, and that she would take him to the doctor if anything... unusual happened to him while he was excreting. She agreed, under the condition that he use a potty chair in the house, so that we could run to his side and laugh hysterically if something happened. That last bit wasn't strictly a part of the negotiations, but that is what happened.

By God's grace, I happened to be in earshot when the ThunderFudge(tm) decided to part company with my brother. The actual sounds went something like; " oh. Oh. OH. ow. Ow. OWWWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWW!OWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWW!!!"



Oh, the humanity of it all.

I knew that he could hear me if I snickered, so I tried to suppress the urge, which, as we have seen in the last few paragraphs or so, urge suppression does not run in my genes.

I laughed out loud.

Repeatedly.

Louder each time.

He was pissed, but then, I wasn't the one who had decided to pinch a loaf for the rest of my life.

He and Mom then left to apply some medication to the area, leaving me wondering if I ever had children, would I ever have the inner strength to cope with a son as brain-dead as this one?

I snuck a peek into the storage room they had been in. What I saw astounded me. The butt-monster had run the length of the pot, a good seven inches, and then formed an L-shape and continued upwards for another solid (heh) foot. Towards the end of the process, my brother must have stood, to be able to fully excrete this DungO'Death (tm). It was smooth-surfaced, and looked like it was about five inches around. It was about the same color as mahogany.

It was taken to the outhouse, and laid to rest 15 feet below the surface of the seat. It didn't even break when it impacted with the mound; instead, it just sank in, like the King Shit that it truly was, ruling over all the other worthless pieces of shit around it. Nobility suited it well.

My brother recovered, eventually developed something similar to intelligence, and later on we both moved out of the house. That particular outhouse was abandoned, and another was constructed. But I still think of King Shit, covered now by many others, still the greatest one of all time.

A herpetological horror

Subject: A herpetological horror
From: ksm@abb-sc.abb-sc.com (Ashley)
Date: 25 Jun 93 19:39:50 GMT
Organization: Kaos Laboratories
Keywords: venomous lizard, penis, hemotoxic venom.
Lines: 56


As a result of the little kitchen knife incident, a friend of mine and I where discussing interesting ways to loose your penis. He mentioned a person who got snipped by a snapping turtle while pissing in a river. Then I remembered something I read about in a herpetological journal some
time ago. Thought it might be appreciated here.


>> Haven't heard of one of those yet. I did hear of a fellow who somehow
>> got bitten by a gilla monster on the schlong though....
>
>Aren't they those black and red poisonous things?

Big, fat, ugly, slow, venomous lizards. Black and pink nocturnal desert dwellers in the american south west. Hemotoxic poison. Somehow some joker got bit on the dick by one. Haven't any idea how, but I suppose the gilla monster probably crawled inside his sleeping bag just before sunrise. When the wake-up woodie appeared, the lizard saw it and bit.

Now to understand what must have happened to this guy, we need to know a bit about the poisons in reptile venom. There are two kinds, neurotoxic and hemotoxic. The gilla monster has a hemotoxic venom. Hemotoxic venom destroys blood, prevents oxygen from reaching the cells,
the tissue dies, huge blood blisters form, the nerves in the area die causing local loss of motor function control. If the venom gets to the heart in high enough concentrations, the heart tissues and muscles deteriorate and the heart fails. Nausea, delerium, immobilty, vomiting, hallucinations. That's the effect of a viper bite. It's usually survivable, although it can
cost you a limb.

Now imagine a big lizard with a hematoxic venom biting someone's dick. Instead of the clean, long, hypodermic like fangs like a viper, the gilla monster has poison sacks in his gums and grooves in the teeth. He bites, clamps on, and begins working his jaws. He does not let go. So he
*grinds* the poison in. Slowly. You usually have to kill a gilla monster to get them off you if you get bit. And they don't die easily, nor do they let go when they are dead. The jaw muscles lock.



Now imagine the effects of the hematoxic venom on this guy's penis. The amount of blood in a penis is pretty big, so the blood blister would be huge and it would come quickly since the swelling would prevent blood from leaving at the normal rate. It would continue to swell until the blister burst. No oxygen to any of the cells in the spongeotum, so you'd have necrotic rot in a matter of hours, and the blood that did leave the penis would go straight up to the heart. Dying in terror, nausea and delerium with a big lzard chomping on your dick, while your dick swells up with discolored blood, oozes, explodes and rots.


Gilla Monsters. The ultimate blow-job.

________________________________________________________________________
Ashley, a psychotic, depraved and reprehensibly morbid individual.
"My sex life is defined by the thin line between a love
ksm@abb-sc.com tap and murder with a blunt instrument."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cunt-rag

From: cunt@cc.tut.fi (Lauhanen Rauli)
Subject: Cunt-rag
Date: 31 Jan 1995 17:31:03 GMT
Summary: Why not Kleenex ?
Keywords: Cunt`s, Their rags, Their smell, Punishment, Bible, Anal thunder.


I wonder how usual is this habit around world. The thing I'm talking about is "vittu-ratti". It's popular here in Finland especially among women in countryside. Vittu-ratti is used to clean cunt after their twat has been washed or processed any other way. I was quite impressed to saw one in my friends SO's bathroom last weekend. And that cunt was _so_ raunchy that she even haven`t tried to hide it by any means. Stupid cunt. Anyway, that rag gave me the best wank for months, not to mention her increased probability to get pregnant now. What ever will happen, I'm proud and happy I did that, because if somebody is _this_ stupid she deserves to be surprised in a most humidiating way.

Now, are only finnish women this tasteless, or is this maybe a global habit, exposing that almost every woman in this planet is a stupid cunt in a need of a violent spanking ? I'm interested about this phenomena only among white race. Dagos, spics and niggers can wipe their cunt anyway they like.

Rauli ?
--
Rauli Lauhanen

A spot of the old ultra-violence...

From: misc061@csc.somewhere.ac.nz
Subject: A spot of the old ultra-violence...
Date: 16 Sep 94 23:14:17 +1200
Lines: 114

A spot of the old ultra-violence
--------------------------------

Last weekend I lost and maimed a friend--but that's OK, because I learnt a moronic beer trick in the process. It's the kind of thing that you see oily twentysomething boys doing in cheap night clubs while they work on their nascent beer-guts. Lots of fun.

What you do is this: grasp your stubbie (Australasian for 12oz beer bottle) firmly by the middle, wait until your friend is deeply in the midst of a pick-up speech (this is an important point of etiquette), listen for some particularly witty line (that is, wait until the pompous git squeezes out something that obviously needs deflation), and smack the top of his stubbie, hard, with the bottom of yours. This should be done with a minimum of arm movement and a blank lookon the face; ideally the woman shouldn't notice. Your victim's beer will "cum" vigorously all over his delicate proceedings. Repeat often during larger promotions.

The best way to save face when this happens to you is to jam the bottle firmly in your mouth, suck hard, and hope your eyes stay in your head. This is especially effective if you can keep a straight face while sinking vast quantities of warm, foamy beer, but does tend to come unstuck a little if you blow chunks all over the person you're trying to pick up.

John, the friend I mentioned at the beginning, taught me this in a bar. It was near the end of the night... we (John, me and a few friends) had been drinking for eight hours. Our faces were red and glistening with sweat, we were talking too loud and had somehow formed the idea that we were the funniest people on the planet. We had been smacking each others beers incessantly, so our shirt fronts, and the surrounding floor, were soaked. The bouncers had started to edge closer, trying to pick the delicate point at which we would be costing them more than they were making out of us--or maybe they just wanted to pound seven shades of shit out of us. One of them looked pretty excited; had a hard-on, even.

Being a keen spotter, and veteran cause, of the sort of bad craziness that involves large quantities of alcohol and huge bouncers, I went to negotiate peace with the doormen. As I'm a spotty little gimp, my usual negotiation technique involves lying on my back and pissing
myself like a crippled dog. However, eight hours of drinking will bestow a little courage on even the lowliest little shit, and so I begged time for another round. Regrettably.

By this stage of the evening we had given up all pretensions to normal drinking etiquette (no pointing, no showing of teeth, no use of consonants... that sort of pratty crap) and had started to lunge and flail wildly whenever we saw an unprotected bottle. John barely got his last beer off the bar before I hit it. He was expecting this, though, and immediately stuffed the stubbie in his mouth. Fair rammed it home, he did. Which was unfortunate, because the top had busted
off.

His eyes went wide as the glass slit through his top and bottom lip, and sank into his tongue. He fell to his knees, trying to hold the bottle still, but the foaming beer forced its way into his wind-pipe and he coughed explosively, spraying us with a fine mist of blood. He dropped the bottle and clamped his hands to his mouth, letting out a loud, low wail. The whole bar went silent. Even the arsehole bouncers were staring white faced at the mess. He was bleeding rivers. In about fifteen seconds his hands had been covered in slick red gloves, and the front of his shirt, once a cheerful shade of larger, had turned a violent crimson. He just knelt there, staring at me with enormous yellow eyes, making pathetic mewling noises and letting out small coughs whenever blood ran down the back of his throat. Blood was dripping off his elbows.

Two of us picked him up and hauled him out the door, pulled him into the back seat of his car and drove to Accident and Emergency. On the way there he went into deep shock. The bits of his face that weren't dark red were white. His fingernails were showing dark blue through
the coagulating blood, he was shivering uncontrollably. By the time we got to the hospital he couldn't walk, so we carried him inside.

Saturday night in A&E is one of New Zealand's national institutions; drinking and fighting is one of our national sports. When you walk through the doors of a hospital's emergency department in the weekend you're greeted by the smell of freshly processed alcohol; the cloying funk of acetone and vomit. The lobby is generally crammed with groaning rednecks and blue, spew-choked corpses. Still, John received attention fairly promptly, probably because of his cute injury.

The attending doctor soon worked out that he wasn't in a life threatening condition, but was concerned about giving him anaesthetic because he was so pissed. She did give him a few injections, but he still started whimpering and shaking when she began to stitch him up.
She started mumbling a few platitudes to encourage him to stay still, but hadn't got far when, Quite abruptly, he stopped shivering and his eyes lost their focus. He burped. A weird, hollow, relaxed burp. The doctor went all quiet and stared at John, her nostrils flaring slightly with fear. Suddenly John's entire lower body convulsed, unloading a couple of litres of warm beer and clotted blood down the young doctor's front. She jumped backwards, swearing, and leaving the
needle dangling from the suture in John's lip.

A few litres later, John heaved himself upright, blowing vomit out his nose to clear his airway. He gawped at me accusingly before his eyes rolled back into his head and he fainted, rolling sideways off the gurney. His head hit the ground with a sickening squeak, the sound of skull plates sliding against each other, and his arm folded under his body unnaturally. Rather than stunning him, this seemed to bring him out of his faint. He rolled his head around to look at me
and vomited again. His cuts had reopened; the sutures had torn out. After a few rough breaths he fixed me with his best "fuck off and die" stare, and started to spit black blood and ill-formed words: "I'll 'ill 'ou, 'ou 'uck. 'Ou 'ick 'uck. 'Ou 'uck. 'Ou 'uck. 'Ou 'uck..."

I left.

--Will (w.hoyle@csc.somewhere.ac.nz)

Pyrotechnic schoolboy prank

Subject: Pyrotechnic schoolboy prank
From: David.Cockburn@somewhere.edu (David Cockburn)
Date: 2 Aug 1994 03:52:19 -0500
Lines: 78

Story starts in a Chemistry lesson, with Teacher demonstrating that when you bubble acetylene gas through some standard lab reagent (can't remember what I'm afraid! - maybe I'll x-post this to the rec.pyrotechnics mob for comment) you get a black precipitate of god-knows-what, which when dried out, forms an exceedingly unstable powder which explodes with a helluva crack at the slightest provocation. Not surprisingly, Rick the class boffin leaves the lesson at the end with a bottle of said reagent and a bag of calcium carbide (+ water = acetylene, y'know) in his school-bag.

So Rick shortly goes into production of this stuff in a big way, and is soon to discover that for optimum effect it can be detonated by packing it v-e-r-y gently around a short length of eureta wire, and hooking this up to a 9-volt battery via a nice long cable (battery heats up eureta wire,
causing detonation). Much mirth is then had by hiding tiny packets of the magic powder along the road and rendering innocent passers-by almost airborne by remote control from behind a nearby wall or wherever.

But this isn't enough to fulfil Rick's creative urges. Final refinement of the technique comes with the realization that by tightly wrapping the powder and wire with cling-film (saran-wrap in 'Merkan-speak?) it can probably be rendered waterproof, and then...

But unfortunately supplies of raw materials are by this stage running pretty low, so there is no opportunity to test the theory before putting it into practice. Rick therefore packs his entire remaining stash around the detonator, and tightly wraps the whole lot in clingfilm.

The stunt was to be staged in the school crapper after lunch one day, when an unsuspecting kiddie could be predicted to arrive promptly to plant a post-prandial pooh with a reasonable degree of certainty. Rick locks himself in a cubicle with his kit, and carefully sets his charge inside the porcelain, well below the water-line. The very thin cable is led up
the side, under the seat and through to the adjacent cubicle. Removal of all the light bulbs in the area ensures that illumination is low enough for the trap to be invisible to a cursory inspection. Rick shuts all the cubicle doors except the booby-trapped one, installs himself on the adjacent crapper, and waits...

The rest of us wait outside, watching from an overlooking balcony. Sure enough, not long to wait before some kid saunters in for a nice relaxing dump. So picture if you will Rick sitting there on the next bog with a wire in each hand, with a half-crazed expression on his face like Anthony
Hopkins in 'Juggernaut', waiting for precisely the optimum moment...

Door shuts... lock clicks home. Belt undone... trousers down... buttock touchdown... bladder voids... sphincter dilation commences... CONTACT!!! Rick touches his wires together. For just a second, nothing happens. Rats - the stuff must have got wet. Then K-A-B-O-O-M!! there's the most almighty explosion... and then: complete, utter, total silence.

Pretty shocked by what's just happened, Rick hops down from his perch and makes rapidly for the exit. What now? We all heard the bang and were all now more than a little worried as to the potential consequences... "Oh shit..." "Well it was *your* idea..." "I *told* you there was too much charge there..." etc etc. In retrospect, God knows why nobody went in to administer first aid or whatever, but no one did: we just hung about ouside nervously biting fingernails. But eventually the youth totters out of the lavvy, and amidst much relief, everyone crowds round to find out what had happened.

Apparently the poor kid had just sat down and 'opened up' when the thing detonated. Subsequent examination of the crimescene revealed what had happened. The porcelain was covered in soot from the rim to the waterline - not that there was the slightest trace of any water left in the bowl. The cubicle walls were soaked to about waist-height, but most notable was the wet line which ran from straight up the door almost top the top - resulting from the piss-stream still emerging from the lad's flapping tool as he went flying into the air upon detonation.

Mercifully and miraculously, it turned out that no damage had been done to the boy or his wedding tackle. He hadn't had a clue what had happened to him - he'd thought there'd been some sort of explosion in the sewers. Afterwards he'd just sat there quaking in terror, unable to move himself, let alone his bowels. In fact the word was that the poor little sod was
constipated for a fortnight afterwards... funny, that.


David Cockburn (who *always* checks before sitting down)