Thursday, February 4, 2010

If a tree falls in a forest...


"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

It's a philosophical question for the ages that has bled over into quantum mechanics. As a Cynic, this type of twaddle occupies a determinable and invariable state - typhos. Needless distraction from the more basic things in life, like vandalising currency or thwapping your penis on a bar when the waitron would rather file her nails than notice you're waiting for another beer.

But with a bit of lateral thinking, the question also poses some interesting possibilities. Like: If a necrophile drains his nutsack while on the job at the morgue and nobody knows, does it really make any difference ?


Morgue worker sentenced to three more years in prison for corpse sex

Sandra Williams was devastated in 1991 when her sister, Charlene Apling Edwards, was killed.

Williams dealt with the grief for years before being told of an even more nightmarish crime – her sister’s body was sexually assaulted by a Hamilton County morgue worker as it was awaiting autopsy.

“I thought burying my sister was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do,” she told Hamilton County Common Pleas Court Judge Nadine Allen. “I thought we could just put it behind us and lay it to rest, but when this happened, I re-lived her death all over again.”


Of course there's photo goodness.

“This” was one of two counts of gross abuse of a corpse for which morgue worker Kenneth Douglas was sentenced Tuesday. In all, Douglas pleaded guilty to having sex with three corpses when he worked at the morgue from 1976-92.

Douglas was sentenced to three years in prison Tuesday for having sex with the corpses of Apling and Angel Hicks. That’s in addition to the three-year prison term imposed on him in 2008 after he pleaded guilty to having sex with the corpse of Karen Range who was murdered in 1982. He had sex with Range’s corpse which was bloody, its head almost severed and had been stored in the morgue cooler for hours.


And so it waffles -

The judge said Douglas’ crimes were depraved.

“There’s a reason we say ‘the dearly departed, may they rest in peace.’ What happened he isn’t even primitive. It’s depraved and inhumane,” the judge said.


With the obligatory, and irrelevant, appeal to emotion from the sister of one of the deceased in an attempt to influence sentencing -

“He raped a five-months pregnant dead woman,” Apling, now in his mid-20s, said.

Ignoring the whole debatable "consent" issue, being "pregnant" while being "dead" hits a logical fallacy jackpot.

The sister was traumatised, of this there is no doubt. Probably for life. Don't need some junior court reporter to arrive at that conclusion for us. But like the tree in the forest, what benefit does it actually serve the sister being made aware of it ? A pervert that hasn't actually harmed anyone gets sent to the big house to a life surrounded by people that have genuinely, often violently, invaded and damaged peoples lives. She is left with poisoned memories that can't be repaired. And people like me stumble upon the story and compulsively have to share. All could have been avoided with a bit of delicacy and tact. It is, strictly speaking, a victimless crime. Instead, thanks to concerned citizenry, there is trauma all round.

Footnotes:

* Main image credit: Still from Jörg Buttgereit's rather excellent Nekromantik, the touchingly sad story of a love triangle between a boy, a girl and a corpse.

* From ForensicPsychiatry.ca: "Although assumed rare, many have argued that necrophilia may be more prevalent than statistics imply, given that the act would be carried out in secret with a victim unable to complain and given the length of time which the paraphilia has been recognized [...] As with most sexual anomalies, the cases reported in the literature have actually involved males between the ages of 20 and 50 with occupations that provide ready access to corpses: gravediggers, mortuary attendants, orderlies, etc. Most individuals have been reported to be heterosexual."

* For anyone that thinks necrophilia is a boys only adventure, there's always Karen Greenlee.

* Herodotus wrote of the Egyptians some two and a half millenia ago: "When the wife of a distinguished man dies, or any woman who happens to be beautiful or well known, her body is not given to the embalmers immediately, but only after the lapse of three or four days. This is a precautionary measure to prevent the embalmers from violating her corpse, a thing which is actually said to have happened in the case of a woman who had just died."

* And for an Indian engrish point of view, filed under "Kama Sutra" (!): "The Dead Corpse Can Fantasize Physical Pleasure" [link]

Monday, January 18, 2010

The poetry of Fat Fuck Frank



   FatFuckFrank



I can't remember when I first ran across Fat Fuck Frank. I certainly know where - Pirate Bay, generally the first port of call for anyone discovering the wonderful world of torrents. He thrusts himself into your consciousness in a manner that the numerous other regular denizens there do not - you find his name sticks and is impossible to forget. Firstly, the sheer volume of uploads he has contributed over the years makes it unavoidable. Secondly, the extreme difficulty of getting any of his torrents to actually work - the seed count is always low and from mostly erratically connected hosts. Not surprising, I don't think many people would want to be openly associated. But the most memorable thing of all are FFF's torrent descriptions. The prose is unique, perhaps poetry is more fitting - it lilts with a style and elegance all it's own, rarely if ever actually being accurate of which it speaks. FFF is a latter day bard, a wordsmith of unwitting charm and wit. So, pour yourself a tin mug of something seriously over-proof, light up a cheap stogie and kick back and relax with the poetry of Fat Fuck Frank...


+ Tonys first footjob.mpg

Black Tony enjoying his first taste of white slut feet before going to the unemployment office to pick up his $50 check which he will use to purchase cheap wine in a box

+ Amputee - Brittney.mpg

Amputee teen slut proving her mad hairy pussy even with 1 leg is more desirable then your drunken mother on a warm summer night

+ Stretching her Nipples and Labia.......FFF

in order to satisfy her wife-beating husband, Mary decides to surprise him by stretching her nipples & labia; husband wasn't impressed and decided to beat her silly again.  Mary needs to think outside of the box

+ The entire 1800 Photo collection of dead women

When it's dead that means it's yes

+ kinky thai dog scat.mpg

Thai teen slut looking forward to tossing her neighbor's pet dog salad

+ Dead SLuts 4...FFF

When all the facts are known, FFF will be found innocent

+ Wild Orchid Oma.avi

Granny getting her share of double cock meat sandwich to keep her mad hairy pussy lubricated

+ Chub Dad With Tranny.avi

Chubby hairy douche dad having fun with shemale relatives

+ Cuckolded At Master's House.mpg

Black stranger walks into home and proceeds to fuck slut wife who taunts douche husband who's too afraid to say anything impolite to the black man who is fucking his slut wife's mad hairy pussy

+ Dear Lorenzo Histories.mpg

Fat black cellulite overflowing crack hos getting fucked like sheep in New Zealand on a winter starry night

+ German balloon fetish.mpg

Dressed German sausage eating bitch in a room full of colorful balloons

www.torrents.fatfuckfrank.org is your only choice when Piratebay burst like a cheap China maded cum filled condom   

+ Amateur private orgy

Just a bunch of people having sex, no animals involved

+ Young Indian Woman With Horse.mpg

Rare glimpse of Indian arranged marriage ceremony with neighbor's filthy horse

+ MILF Market Mom.mpg

A mom so hot your 5 year old brother would cum all over her with his baby dick and then finish the bitch off with a baby cum facial

+ Yvette Bova.Desiree Ellis (Villa Pool Chair).mpg

2 black muscle bound freak sluts attacking each others man size clits like hungry gorillas fighting over one over riped banana in a decrepit Russian zoo lacking donations form its drunken visitors

+ The Best Hand Job Of My Life.avi

Goth teen tattooed slut giving emo blowjob to depressed douche boyfriend

+ Assman 12 - Monica Sweetheart.mpg

Monica likes to have 2 cocks at one time due to low self esteem issues

+ Feet 2 Young Teens.avi

2 hot barely legal teens sucking & licking feet/toes because they don't want to be labeled as carpet munching dykes by their parents

+ Good Fuck After Beer.mpg

Russian slut drunk on cheap Chechen beer gets fucked by 1st cousin

+ Indian Slut Nadia Nyce.mpg

Nadia the Calcutta slut getting fucked like vegetarians who can't eat the sacred cows shitting on their front porches

+ Perfect Ladyboys - Eyrika.avi

Eryka is so cute you wish it was your sister so you could have it's cock in your mouth imagining it to be a mad hairy pussy

+ Teenboycumparty.mpg

Old clip of teenboy activity experimenting with gay cock sucking fun, teen has now grown up to be head priest at local church

+ Spikey Shoe Job.avi

Sushi eating jap sluts spiky shoe revenge on smelly tuna fish salesman douche

+ Blatino Power (Interracial Bareback).mpg

Black & white cocks getting together to break down the racial walls of injustice; highly recommended viewing by Rev. J. Jackson

+ Scatboy Kaviar Kitchen.mpg

Scatboy dressed in in high heels & painted toenails looks in his frig, nothing good to eat, decides to take a dump on his kitchen floor and then eats it

+ Toilet man.mpg

Douche picks up chick at local whore bar; she eats bad potato salad, while he's tossing her salad, she shits in his mouth; oops!!

+ Delicious Feet.mpg

Sweet fragrant delicious fungus free Lesbian feet for your pleasure

+ Mfx-Secret diaper fantasy.mpg

Nasty Brazilian anal loving lesbians now with bowel problems requiring them to wear adult diapers

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Gerbils

~Date: 6 May 90 15:52:08 GMT
~References: <9953@stiatl.uucp>
~Reply-To: derrick@ritcsh.UUCP (Derrick Williams)
Organization: Computer Science House @ RIT, Rochester, NY
~Lines: 105


In article <3341@ritcsh.cs.rit.edu> andre@ritcsh.cs.rit.edu (Andre Romadinov) writes:
His name was "Athos". The dog was lying on the carpet relaxing when the master shouted "Athos!". Athos got up and "ran" up the stairs. Unfortunatelly he fell down the stairs because he was running a dog's run up the stairs and you simply can't do that. When he fell he sprained his right hind leg and squealed. The master kept calling and the dog got up and "limped" up the
stairs this time thankfully not falling. When he got to his master his eyes were saying "What can I do for you master?". How many "men" do you know who can act so unselfishly? I rest my case.

On a related note I once was at a friend's house and he had a new litter of gerbils that had been born a few weeks ago. We took them out of the cage and played with them on the dining room table. They were almost fully grown, about the size of a man's palm. My friend hadn't named the gerbils yet, because therewere so many of them. It soon became apparent that these gerbils would start another new litter if my friend didn't get rid of them. So we were deciding what to do with this problem when he broke out a case of beer. We drank and played with the gerbils all through the evening. The little gerbils were making turds all over the table and little puddles of piddle leaked here and there. We would pick them up by their tails and put them on our shoulders, all the while knocking back some brew. We tried to give the little critters some of it but only one deigned to take a little sip of it. I guess at that time we drank most of the case of beer and we were pretty wild. We started playing toss with the little furry creatures and I tried juggling them. Well, in our drunken state we weren't doing too well so we took them to the kitchen to see what fun things there were to do with them. Well, this house was a bit old fashioned, and one of the implements was a red meat grinder, you know, one of those things you put meat in a funnel and turn the handle and it comes out in itty bitty peices? Yeah, well we were just pretending to be putting one of the gerbils in, you know, and we were laughing like maniacs like it was the funniest things in the world. My friend was shaking, and I think he lost his grip. At any rate, we couldn't find the gerbil. It must have fallen somewhere. So we stood around trying to look through the haze to try to figure out where it went. We heard little sqeaking noises in the funnel of the meat grinder, and in a fit of hilarity, we spun the handle a few times.

Man, you never heard such a noise. The little bastard had fallen in, and when my friend turned the thing, the gerbil let out an ear peircing squeak, and you could hear little scratching sounds in it. blood was starting to dribble out of the exhaust thingy, which we thought was absoulutely thigh slapping. So we would turn the handle a little, making a sound,and the the little guy
would go , so we were going and man, was it a riot! Pretty soon it stopped making noise and this
horrendus mess was dribbling all over the sink so we gave it up and tried to find the rest of the furry rats.

My friend told me to gather up the rest of the critters and he would be right back. Well, in my stupor, I could hardly stand still, so picking up the animals who had run loose all over the kitchen was pretty hard. I picked them up and put them back on the kitchen sink. I was a bit clumsy and I happened to step on one, making a loud snap. The poor guy was was lying squashed, his arms
twitching around like he was trying to get up or something. There was blood running out of his ears. Man, was it a sight! I picked it up by its tail and tossed it playfully at my friend who ran in with an kitchen implement. He showed me the Qusinart he had gotten from the basement, and boy, did we have a fit! We absolutely shrieked with laugher as I gathered up the furrballs that
were running around in the sink. We put them in the yellow chamber in the modern cusine wonder. Well, it wasn't easy, what with them climbing out. We got them all sealed in, with the top we had to try a few times to make it snap in place. Boy, you shoulda seen those guys in that tight space! They were jumping all over each other and looking through that plastic, sniffing at it and
putting their paws up against it when we tapped on it. Their beady black eyes looking at us inqusitively and their noses twitching. Well, we couldn't hold off the temptation anymore; our sides were splitting. So as I laughed like a maniac, my friend's hand thumped firmly on the "on" button. Oh, wow! Those Gerbils leaped like crazy, like when you shake a box of marbles. The blade wasn't doing too well as those mangled gerbils got caught on the blade and were frantically waving their paws as the machine grinded. This one guy had his lower adbodmen ripped off and you could see the wet insides, and he was crawling around in his front legs. There was another with half his face sliced off and he was rubbing it with his paws like he was wondering what was going on.

At any rate, my friend tried to get the blade unstuck by pushing the "Pulse" button a couple times, and the Qusinart was going "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!" "WHOOM!", which just barely masked out the racket the critters were making.

Finally, the darn creatures stopped moving around, and then the blade went "clakety clackety clackety" as it grinded up the little gerbil bones. We couldn't see anything in it after that, as there was this reddish brown paste smeared all over the sides with bits and peices we were trying to figure out which belonged to which gerbil. We were really going at it, but then the effects
of the beer was finally taking its toll, so we decided to call it a night. I crashed in his living room couch and chuckled myself to sleep, as he fumbled upstairs.

So the moral of this story is that you should only puree' little animals in a meat grinder or a Quisinart. How many "man" sized animals do you know that can be placed in such a small place? Have you tried this with ferrets? How do you know what is true? Well, facts are facts, buddy, and you shouldn't do this with turtles or other animals that are hard to grind up. God didn't make Man small enough, which lead to the fact that we have to depend on tiny creatures for entertainment.

Wocka wocka, and until next time,

Derrick
\
_________\____
/______/ /___\
|______/ _/_____| Holy Temple Of Jolt Swiggin' Dudes
|_--.__/ / / _/_| "We Never Sleep"
|_\ / __\| |\ \__|
|\_(_/ /_|__/\_\_|
|____/_/__COLA___| Derrick Williams, Chief Acolyte
|___//___________|
|2x the caffeine.| EECC
|________________|
|The Switch Is On| Rochester Institute of Technology
\______________/


--------------------------------------------------------------------
Of course, somebody always feels a need to respond to such things...
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sheeesh.. talk about sick minds, if I'd ever walk in sombody doing something like that, I'd surely grab the first heavy thing in sight and bash his knees and elbows until *they* knew what it is like to be savagely mangled.

Don't you think that it is pretty sexist to only think that males can enjoy a good rodent?

Monday, March 2, 2009

SNIP - The truth about alien abductions

Subject: SNIP -- Is this group still around?
From: dgross@somewhere.edu (Dave Gross)
Date: Mon, 27 Jun 94 21:18:11 GMT
Lines: 94



Shortly after I got out of High School without a diploma but with an equivalency test certificate, after the second time I crossed the blue line at Diablo Canyon nuclear power plant, but before the California State Peace March, I was a frustrated radical. Frustrated because I had the purity of heart and motive, the ideological sophistication, and the drive to fight against The Empire, but knew not how.

In other words, I was ripe for the picking. So I fell in with a ZPG spinoff group which called itself "Green Again" in its public dealings (a booth downtown on Thursday nights for Farmers' Market, a column published in the local Womens' Press, etc.) but which called itself SNIP within the group. At the time, it didn't occur to me that SNIP might be an acronym, but I've speculated since then (Students for a Negative Increase in Population?).

Anyway, there were maybe ten of us in the group, and our focus was world overpopulation. And we weren't like the population control groups today, who sometimes seem to have the attitude "it's okay if the ignorant little brown people breed themselves into starvation, as long as they don't try to come to our country which is crowded enough thank you," no, we wanted open borders but fewer people.

And we recognized, in our radicalness, that it wasn't little brown people breeding that we had to worry about, but expensive little pink people who were using an inordinate amount of the world's resources. And according to the fliers we read, each little pink larva would grow up to make more little pink larvae in a branching tree which in a few generations was very bushy indeed.

And we decided that since we did not have, and had no hope of having, any sort of political influence or control, and we weren't too happy about the government regulating reproduction anyway (most of us were young and came from the anarchist punk rock tradition); and since the fine population explosion propaganda that had influenced us was failing to influence enough of the rest of the population, we'd have to perform more radical actions.

So we loaded up on psychedelics and short-term deliriants (ether, ketamine), and I did some research at the library, and we put our plan into action.

A typical night would go something like this. We'd send three people out in a specially-rigged car (tastefully hidden interior lighting and mirrors, awesome sound system), sometimes with a backup car following discreetly behind. Then we'd pick up a hitchhiker and connive to hand him (always a him) a beer or a coke or something that had been laced with 300 mics or more of LSD (we tried other psychedelics, but mushrooms took too long to come on, and mescaline made the subjects carsick).

Then we started acting ridiculous, making jokes and such so the initial hilarity of the drug would be masked by the general hilarity in the car. About an hour and a half to two hours into the trip, driving slowly so as not to get to where the hitchhiker was headed too soon, the hilarity would kick in hard core and we'd distract the fellow while our driver picked a deserted side-road.

Then we'd hit the light and sound machine. Lights would come on all over the inside of the car, and beams would be split and reflected by mirrors and chrome. At the same time, a booming sound would come through the stereo, somewhat mechanical, but fully eerie. We'd all panic, and the driver would run the car roughly off of the road, giving me (it was usually me in the back seat) the chance to put the plastic bag with powdered ketamine, or a rag soaked in ether, over the hitchhiker's nose and mouth.

Meanwhile, the two in the front seat (and sometimes those of the confederates in the other car who were not acting as lookouts), would put on cheap halloween masks and gaudy costume jewelry and approach the poor sucker, while I slipped out the door and got the surgical supplies from the back. The stereo by this time had muted the eerie humming and was playing mostly nonsense. Used car lot commercials played backwards, Tibetan chants, the kind of stuff used as psychological warfare at Waco.

The masked folks would gently restrain the baffled guy and monitor his anaesthetic intake (ketamine and ether -- and nitrous oxide in a pinch -- are also anaesthetics of a sort) while I performed the vasectomy. One of the easier surgical operations, if you're not worried about making it reversable.

To cover our tracks, we added a third testicle made out of teflon-coated ceramic, and drew alien symbols in iodine on the hitchhiker's forehead, before letting him go and speeding off for another subject.

Years later when I did some research on UFO reports for Terence McKenna I didn't see any of our subjects' stories directly, but I did notice many motifs which were obviously drawn from our activities.

When I came back from the Peace March, the group had gone underground or disbanded or (maybe, though I didn't hear anything about it) had been caught. I haven't seen any of them since. And I'm have some regret, of course, about the extremes of my youthful zeal. Still, all in all, no harm no foul. Anyone can have children, but not very many people get to have a story about being kidnapped and having one's testicle count augmented by aliens from another planet.

Monday, February 2, 2009

A Guide to Selecting a Female Animal for Fun and Friendship


A Guide to Selecting a Female Animal for Fun and Friendship

by BeastBoy

Copyright 1993 BeastBoy
All Rights Reserved


INTRODUCTION

I have often been asked by the would-be bestialist: "What kind of animal is the best?" A lot of the answer, of course, is personal taste, but many guys have little or no experience, and have no knowledge on which to base an opinion. An ideal situation would be to have one of each to experiment with, but in this day and age, few can have a place to keep farm animals, and fewer still can keep a selection of them. Therefore, I have written this paper, in which I will share some insights gained over more than 35 years of making love to animals of all common species. My opinions are my own, of course, but perhaps the information here will help lead you in the right direction.

First there are some important things that are common to allanimals:


WHERE TO GET YOUR ANIMAL

If you live in an area where you can have farm animals, there are bound to be one or more livestock auctions nearby. If you decide to attend, get there early and inspect the possibilities.
A lot of this is just gut feel, since you will not likely get close enough to touch them. If you are going to bid on an animal, select one that has a sleek coat, bright eyes and an alert posture. A lot of auction animals have not been treated very well in their life, so they will be suspicious of humans and may be difficult to train.

The best place to buy livestock is from a breeder. The cost will be higher, but you will be able to better evaluate the animal and find out something about her history. You will be able to get a "hands on" inspection, so be sure to briefly get a hand under her tail and see how she reacts to having her pussy and asshole touched. You can usually do this without being too obvious. Besides, breeders understand that when someone is buying breeding stock, it is acceptable to examine the animal's genitals.

When looking for a bitch, keep in mind that it is getting more and more difficult to find an intact bitch due to city and county regulations about spaying and neutering. You will most likely have to go to a breeder to get one, and adult bitches are difficult to find. Even when you locate one, it is difficult to know how she was raised and treated and trained. If you are set on buying a dog, the best and most sure approach is to buy a puppy and raise and train her yourself.


KNOW YOUR ANIMAL

Once you have made your selection and purchase, and have gotten your new animal home, don't expect success in screwing her five minutes after arriving home. Unless she has had sex with a guy before, her natural instinct will be to resist. This is not the same kind of resistance that a woman would have, but just an instinctive reaction to another animal (you) having access to
certain parts of her body. First, you should let your animal find out about her surroundings and get comfortable with her new home. Most animals are quite sensitive to changing homes, and
if you try to approach her too soon, she will probably react unfavorably.

After she gets used to her new home, she will need to get used to you. You can start by just being around her a lot. When you feed her, stay in her immediate vicinity. It won't take long
for her to realize that you are not a predator, and will allow you to be near. Then you have to get her used to your touch. Scratch her where she can't reach. Brush her with an appropriate comb. Most animals, unless they have been the victims of abuse, will take to this type of intimacy very
quickly. All these things will also make you much less likely to get bit, kicked or stomped.

The real secret of success with animals is to be able to put yourself on their level and understand things from their point of view. This is not a degrading thing to do, it's just different.

The friendship you develop with your animal will not happen overnight, but it will happen. Soon you will be able to touch her anywhere without her flinching, and she will trust you. Now, when you take your clothes off and eat her out or fuck her, it's just an extension of things she is already used to.

Most "authorities" lump sex with animals in the same thought as pedophilia. They view both activities as a "violation of the innocent". While that may be true in pedophilia, when it comes
to animals nothing could be further from the truth. Animals do not consider sex to be any more important than eating, sleeping or any of their other activities. It is a totally instinctive thing that is hard-wired into their id. The main reason animals breed is because of this instinct. The female animal of most species don't really get to enjoy it because the male is in and out in a matter or seconds. This is because of the hard-wiring again. If animals didn't breed fast in the wild, they would be at a distinct disadvantage if they were caught in the act by a passing predator. You have a unique opportunity with the female animal. By providing her with long sessions of sensations and pleasures that she probably has never had before, she will come
to enjoy the act more and more. You will be bringing her up to your level, not the other way around.

If you are aspiring to be a true bestialist, you need to use all your resources. Use your tongue, fingers and cock in every pleasurable way you can think of. Don't just fuck her, but make love to her. Engage in foreplay with her. Fondle her all over, play with her tits, give her plenty of oral sex. You will be bonded that much closer to her every time and your eventual orgasm will be much more intense. Some readers may resist going to this extent. If you don't go to this extent, I believe it will be a loss for both of you.

Once you have finished having your fun, don't just put you pants on and leave. A little afterplay is good. Pet her and talk to her. Gently clean your cum off her if need be. Give her a treat, such as a handful of grain, fed from your hand. All this will only strengthen your bond with the animal.


SHARING YOUR ANIMAL

Most guys keep their animal activities to themselves, probably because of prejudice, fear or the feeling that they are all alone in their desires. I always thought so too, but I was fortunate to find some friends who taught me that bestiality is much more erotic and fun when shared with a buddy. Of course, many guys are insecure and not interested in group scenes. My advice is to try it if the opportunity presents itself. There's nothing quite like a "barn party" with four or five guys standing around jacking off, watching you screw whatever is available, and waiting their turns. Sloppy fifths is something you will not soon forget. If you weren't an exhibitionist
before, you will be after that! You don't have to worry about your performance in this situation. Animals will not look down on you or laugh if you can't do the deed. Fellow animal lovers will also understand. If you are the only one who has sex with your animal, then you should have no fear of catching any diseases. Animals have their own brand of venereal disease, and except for very rare circumstances, is not transmittable to humans. Also, you cannot give her anything you might have. If you are sharing your animal, it may not be a good idea to eat her after your buddy gets off in her, even though the higher body temperature should kill any bugs that might be in the sperm. Nothing is absolutely safe, so just follow common sense and good hygiene.

One thing you need to find out is how your animal will react to being shared. Sometimes, she may have developed such a bond with you that she will be unwilling to take on someone else.
That is a rarity, but does happen. Some animals may not like the prolonged session that will result with two or more guys sharing them, while others get hotter as you go, and can't get
enough. This is something that you must determine through experimentation. If it becomes obvious that your sharing is stressing your animal, then stop. Again, a true animal lover will understand this situation too. Keeping your animal happy.

You will eventually learn all of your animal's moods. Some animals can be quite moody at times, and if you don't recognize this, your chances of being bit, kicked or stomped are greatly increased. Some days they might not want you around at all, other days they can't get enough of you. Don't force yourself on her when she is in one of these anti-human states. Give her some respect, and she will be happy and more than willing later.

Most farm animals don't get a great deal of attention from humans, except for things the animal does not like... vaccinations, branding, etc. It follows that most farm animals are not very happy. The best thing you can do to keep your animal happy is to be around her, talk to her, brush and clean her. You will find that the actual sex is a very small percentage of your total involvement. Keeping her clean will also make things better for you. It would be really tough for
even a seasoned bestialist to get interested in oral sex with a cow that has been on pasture all summer. Clean the corners of her eyes, and her nose. Brushing and combing are good for body
cleaning, and use some warm water and very mild soap to clean her udder and genitals. Of course, these things might get you turned on, so you may want to follow up with some hot sex.

Another factor that will keep your animal happy is proper housing. Build a home and provide an exercise area appropriate to your animal. There is really no reason to build your structure air tight, unless you live in an area that has forty below winters. Farm animals are designed to live outdoors. As long as you provide them with a place to get in out of the wind, they will be happy. For example, if you live in cold regions of the world such as in the northern parts of the United States, or in Canada, consider heaters in the building, and more insulation. Make sure she has an adequate supply of fresh water all the time. Use a tank heater in the winter (have you ever
tried to get a drink through six inches of ice?). Feed her quality feeds and be picky about who you buy hay and grain from. Another thing to bear in mind about housing for your animal: It
needs to meet your requirements also. Obviously, it needs to be private, so solid doors are a must. It needs to be large enough that you will be able to enjoy your fun without a lot of
encumbrances. There should be storage for lubricants, paper towels, and any other paraphernalia you might need. You will also need a place to keep larger things like stools to stand on, if necessary, and maybe some knee pads to kneel on. Remember that a barn is usually a dusty environment, so storage areas need to be enclosed. Have some hooks or hangers for clothes. If you are into photography or video, you may need power outlets. Build the best structure you can for your budget. Barns are homes away from home for a bestialist.


KEEP YOUR ANIMAL HEALTHY

Animal health is a very gray area for a lot of people. If you do not know something about the physiology and biology of your animal, then go buy a book and learn about it. Learn to recognize signs of distress, and when to worry and when not to. Pick a veterinarian and stick with him or her (hir). Call hir if you think it is necessary. Inspect your animal daily for signs of damage. They all get nicks, cuts and bruises. Keep some alcohol, cotton, "breathable" tape and other veterinary supplies handy just in case. Make sure she gets her yearly vaccinations. Every species has different needs, and it is essential that you learn the basics.


COMMENTS ABOUT SOME SPECIES

These comments are based mostly on my personal experience. After these comments, I will try to make a recommendation.

BITCHES

My own experiences with bitch dogs has not been very good. They generally have very tight and dry pussies, and require a lot of tongue work to get them opened up. Even then, they have a bone a couple of inches in that prevents you from sticking your dick straight in. You have to angle up and over to get by this bone. Their height is generally too low to have sex with them while you are standing up, and too high to have sex with them while you are kneeling. The best way to have sex with a bitch is to put her in bed and lay down behind her. The best sex I ever had with a bitch was one time when I took sloppy seconds from a friend. However, in general, I would have to rate bitches as generally unsatisfactory.

GOATS

Goats are very friendly animals, and seem to crave attention and companionship from people. They love to play, and sometimes will spend as much time as you want playing. If you want to do this, get a goat with no horns! The larger breeds are about the same size as a large dog, so they are not too convenient to mount. They can be trained to lay down, so you can put them in
bed, but will not take to this as fast as a dog.

A goat can be a great screw if you are not too well hung. Their pussies look quite small, but a lot of tonguing will open them up, and they don't have the bone like a dog. The entire genital area of the goat has very velvety skin, and a lot of time can be spent licking her pussy, asshole and the underside of her tail. I have found that you can get your cock in OK, but the goat does
not seem to have a very deep pussy. I tend to bottom out.

Goats shit a lot, but the turds are small and hard and you can just brush them out of the way. The sphincter muscles of the goat are fairly weak, so you can easily butt fuck them too. (That is, of course, if they let you. Consent is everything in animal love.) Personally, I prefer the black Nubian breed. What a sexy looking animal!

Be sure to do proper housing for your goat. They can jump a great distance. I've seen one clear a six foot fence from a standing start.

SHEEP

When someone who is not into the scene hears about sex with animals, almost invariably they think of sheep. So many shepherds have told so many stories over the years. My experience tells me that this reputation is probably well deserved. Their main disadvantage is their size... they are not convenient to mount. They are fairly easy to get into bed. Once a sheep thinks she is trapped, most of them will give up and stop any struggling. Every time, I am concerned about that and it is a little distracting, because I do not wish to "trap" any animal for my own pleasure. Pleasure must be mutual for me to enjoy it. Anyway, sheep body shapes allow you to get them
on their backs and fuck them belly to belly -- and kiss them while your at it!

Sheep tend to have burrs, stickers and other undesirable things in their coats. I recommend keeping them shorn. Even then, their wool produces a lot of lanolin, so you can expect to come away feeling a little oily.

The thing that really recommends the sheep is the pussy. It's as though it was specifically designed for bestiality minded guys. It is tight, wet, and seemingly bottomless. It's also a good pussy for eating. Don't worry if you are hung like a mule, the sheep will accommodate you just fine. Sheep don't have a very strong sphincter muscle, so you can easily fuck them up the ass also.

SOWS

My experiences with a sow have been a little less than satisfactory. The one I had was quite large, around 600 pounds and (you guessed it) fat as a pig! She just was not very attractive to me. Once I got into her, her pussy was very hot and clinging, and she was really a pretty good fuck. Sows are difficult to mount due to their size, and at that weight you can't exactly pick them up and lay them down. I found that if I spread my legs way out and balanced on her back, I could get to her pussy fairly well. Big sows are quite strong, and they won't stand for you unless they want to. It's difficult to tie one because ropes just slip over their head.

One nice thing about sows is that when they are in heat, all they want is to get fucked. You can easily tell by putting pressure on their back. If they assume a more sexual stance, and appear to be a little paralyzed, you have a hot sow!

I would like to have more opportunities with sows, but have not had the chance. At various livestock shows I have noticed that the prize sows were trim and fit at around 150 pounds, and very sexy looking. I would not kick one of those out of bed!

COWS

Cows are easy and fairly cheap to get, fun to fuck, and easy to sell for what you paid for them. This is probably the reason they are a favorite on many farms. Cows that are kept for sex are usually fed grain and hay rather than being pastured. Pasture feeding a cow will usually bring on a lot of diarrhea. Cows are not attractive to most people when their whole rear end is covered in dried shit. Grain feeding eliminates this problem.

Cows have wonderfully warm and slimy pussies, and are very good eating. Unfortunately, to get the best fuck from them, you have to be hung a little better than average. Those of you less well
endowed can try out the four-month old heifers. The younger heifers can be fucked while standing flat footed, but the adult cows will require something to stand on.

One of the best things about cows is that the pussy is not buried way down between heavy muscled ass cheeks; it usually hangs out a little from their body. When you are eating cow
pussy, you can get your tongue really deep. When fucking them, you can stick you balls and everything in there. If you have friends watching, it's also easier for everyone to see what's
going on.

Cows seem to have an endless supply of shit inside, and love to release it just when you are about ready to come and not in the mood to pull away. When the cow is grain fed, the turds are hard and this is generally not a problem. For the pasture fed cows, the closest thing I can think of is the feeling of a few gallons of warm spaghetti sauce running over your belly and down your legs. Cows love to piss a lot also. If you like to eat pussy, like the avid bestialist, and you're on your knees behind the cow, you run the risk (or the pleasure, depending on how you look at it) of being drenched at any moment with about two gallons of hot cow piss. I have found this to be an enormous turn-on, but if you personally have a problem with being pissed-on and occasionally shit-on by your animal, you will probably want to own something other than cows.

MARES

Mares are fairly easy to fuck, and you will need a crate or stool that will bring you up to their level. They take to being trained to stand still very quickly. Mares have an unusual feature in their pussies that allows them to voluntarily contract some muscles that result in a "winking" effect. Some mares have such a strong winking that you can hear the snap when they do it. This feature makes mares absolutely the best eating pussy on the planet. Of course, mares run the whole gamut from cold fish to incredibly hot sex machines. You will have to experiment to find out where your mare fits in.

If you are lucky enough to have one of the hot ones, it means that she will be winking and squirting fluid and making obscene squishing noises when being fucked. This helps make up for the fact that they do have large pussies, and unless you are well equipped, you might not get enough friction to get off. The squishing and winking might give you a psychological advantage
though... since she would also exhibit these actions when being fucked by a stallion, you can think of yourself as a stallion, and that can give you an enormous boost!

Miniature horses have all the same attributes as the full size ones, except they are too small to ride. For the average hung dude, one of these might be the way to go. You will probably still get the winking and squishing, but with a much tighter pussy, you will have a sex partner to die for. Also, you can fuck the miniatures flat-footed. Mares seldom dump or piss during the action, so you can concentrate on getting your rocks off.


CONCLUSION

Based on all the foregoing, I highly recommend mares as the best animal partner that can be had. If you get a full size one, you have the added pleasure of being able to saddle her up and go
for a ride. In addition, a mare would not be out of place in a non-farm area. Lots of residential areas permit horses, but not other farm animals.

End of dissertation... remember, play safe, have fun, and fuck like a mink because it will be all too soon when you will not be able to do it any more. Thank you.

End

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Bodil - Boar Girl

[From 'Ugens Rapport' (the Danish equivalent of 'Penthouse'), November 10 1980 page 26, 27 and 34. Includes 2 pictures of Bodil at the interview, and one of her entertaining some pigs in a stable.]

Raped, seduced, punished, sexually degraded and exploited by everyone... From 17 year old beauty to "THE BOAR GIRL"...


SHE HAS WASTED HER BODY BUT SHE HAS KEPT HER SOUL...


"Verbally more dirt has been cast at me, than the dirt the boar work comprised..." Just 17 years old. Beautiful and lithe. Seducingly pretty. That's the way Bodil took Denmark 10 years ago.

Newspapers and magazines had full page articles on the beautiful girl, that all alone ran a big farm and breeding centre with boars. Especially the last part appealed to people’s imagination. Swedish, Norwegian and English magazines also had pictures of the "farmer" that looked more like a model than a farmer. Bodil was a pretty, healthy rural girl, that any as
sociation of small farmers could be proud of. Marriage proposals came in large numbers. But Bodil said no. She loved her animals. Her farm. And said to a big magazine: “I don't have the time for love”.

The future looked bright for the beautiful Bodil with the heart of gold then. Rich and handsome men wanted her. She could choose a future that even a princess would envy her.
10 years later. I'm sitting in a small hotel room somewhere in the north of Zealand with Bodil.She seems nervous. Diseased. She is incessantly fingering something on thetable between us. Cigarettes. The lighter. But most frequently the glass of Schnapps (45 % liquor). Her legs are fat and swollen. Her clogs have lots of dirt stains. Her clothes are dirty, worn through and doesn't suit her. Her once so perfectly shaped body now looks vulgar and awkward, marred by 30 excess kilos (60 pounds). Her teeth are in a terrible state due to neglect. Her smile is no longer that of a model. The hair is unwashed and thinning. Obscures the once beautiful face. We leaf around in her scrap book. Looking back on the good old days, when the future looked bright for Bodil, when there was hope. A tear emerges in her eye, as the memories well over her. It is quickly chased away by another swig of the mug.

Bodil Joensen. You might not recognize the name. But you know her professional name.
The Boar Girl. The beautiful young woman who fucked stallions, boars, goats and dogs, and became a star known all over the world. Millions have been grossed on her movies. She has made 4 full-length features, around 40 low-budget movies and starred in innumerable photo series in magazines, as well as performed in hundreds of live-shows. Few people have brought so much hard currency to Denmark by so simple means. As the then happy Bodil once amiably put it: A naked ass can be just as fine as an academic education.

Today Bodil wishes she had not left the school after 7th grade, though. She is today left with the pain. But without money. The millions that have been earned by the porno industry with her as merchandise has not got to her. She didn't get rich money wise. But on experience. But that won't pay any bills. That's why she's now work as a hooker in Copenhagen. Fighting against severe illness and rotten looks, she has now had her klinik [one woman outfit, traditionally in a low rent apartment in a seedy part of town] for a couple of years.

'Look at me' she says, and displays herself. 'There aren't many men that get wild looking at me. In my situation it's very hard to turn down even the most disgusting propositions. For me staying alive in the hooking business is hell'.

As I watch her sitting there in the chair with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of schnapps in the other, I can't decide: Is it the end of an adventurous life I look at. Or is it the beginning of a human tragedy.
I recall a passage from Steen Steensen Blichers "Diary of a rural parish clerk" [a Danish classic]. The parish clerk encounters the love of his youth, Miss Sofie,years after she eloped with the archer from the Tjele estate. She has been a prostitute and is now a drunkard, working in the turnip fields of another estate. The parish clerk writes in his dairy about her: Wasted, Corrupted, Lost. These 3 words sums up Bodil's look on herself.

'The most bitter thing is that I've done my best' She says, then adds 'The best I could, just wasn't good enough'.


Bodil lives in a little wrecked cottage in the north of Zealand with a man and their daughter.
The newspapers have accused her for maltreating her animals. They now belong to her man. She has nothing to do with them anymore. It still hurts. She loves animals more than anything in the world. Bodil was born in Hundige [town 8 miles from Copenhagen]. Her father was a shipmaster. She didn't like the school. She'd rather play with the animals. Although she didn't do her homework she got fine grades. She dreamt of being a vet. Her parents divorced. She moved around with her mother. She attended eightdifferent schools.

The turning point in her life came when she met a pederast. Bodil had had a very strict upbringing by her puritan mother. And she wasn't soothed. She reproached her that she had nearly been raped. At the police station they made her say naughty words, when she reported it. And her mother beat her up for doing it when they got home. She was locked away in the attic. For several days she had her food brought to the attic.


'Mama wouldn't dine with me. I was a dirty slut because I had been assaulted.'

Bodil was shocked and reacted as defiantly as she could possibly dream of. 'I said to Mama, that when I grew up, I'd fuck boars. I couldn't think of anything more naughty. And she was so shocked that she thought that I was allied with the devil'.

Bodil got a job on a farm, and later at a breeding centre with boars. During this time she often went for walks in a forest. Here she met a married logger, who filled her up with schnapps and popped her cherry. She never saw him again. Bodil was only 15 when the nice logger fucked her behind a log. She liked the work at the boar breeding centre, and at 17 she rented a farm, a truck and the boar "Rascal" for 400 crowns. Bodil was now doing the job she had wanted to punish her mother by doing. A work she soon discovered that she was very fond of.

Newspapers and magazines had large articles about the beautiful, animal friendly girl, that regarded helping boars into sows rather normal. Marriage proposals arrived in huge numbers. But Bodil said no to everyone. Also to the naughty proposals. Many farmers thought they could pork Bodil while her boar porked his sow. She didn't have a nice reputation, even though she always said no. Gossip started.


"Verbally more dirt has been cast at me, than the dirt the boar work comprised" Bodil says, and quivers in disgust thinking of the men. "Nine out of ten wanted to fuck me. Their wives hated me. Maybe that's why my breeding centre had a lousy economy".

Bodil had received many modelling offers. And a day when she couldn't find the money for the rent, the truck etc., she went to Copenhagen. She went to a porno manufacturer and offered her body.

Bodil was very
inexperienced then. And found her new way of making money strangely exciting. "After the loggers single effort nothing happened until I was 17. At 17 I fell in love with a married man." Bodil says. "We had it all right sexually. But we weren't kinky. More like beginners". "I rode a lot on horses in those days. Attended derbies all over the country. I dreamt of a career as a horse(wo)man. One days I was thrown off a horse. And had a bad back. My friend couldn't then fuck me in the missionary position, as he usually did. I suggested he fuck me from behind.

"I found myself in a studio and had to make love to a man, a girl, a negro and a dwarf. The dwarf really took me
by surprise. He had an enormous cock. I don't know how I could force myself to do it... but I earned well, and soon I could do it without any inhibitions. Like doing the dishes. Sometimes I even enjoyed it. The dwarf startled me. He had an enormous cock. I was impressed when he finally got it in".

They couldn't use the same girl in all their flicks, so there were less and less work. 'It was my own idea to start the animal-stuff." Bodil continues as we look at pictures from her stable. "I had masturbated boars by hand. Put rubbers on stallions. Where is the limit? Stallions, dogs, boars, bulls and goats now became my film lovers. During that time I know millions was earned on my flicks worldwide. I starred in 4 full-length features. "Why do they do it?", '"Sex en gros", "Pornography" and one more that I cannot even remember the title of'.
Letters from all over the world flooded her.

"My acts turned more people on, than I had imagined. One day Japanese TV crew arrived. It was an exciting period. But what did I get? A small derelict cottage without running water. But with gas and electricity, though. While others spent fortunes on my special talent. I'm a trifle bitter".


Bodil still has the dog Lassie, by her called 'Denmark’s best lover'. The bastard has starred in two films. And lots of photo series. Lassie has fucked around 25 women, and Bodil doesn't know if it has ever fucked another dog. Problems with the society for the prevention of cruelty to animals occurred when Bodil started performing live with Lassie. They thought Lassie suffered. "But they should have seen us working! We performed to the song "Je t'aime" - the naughty French one. As soon as he heard the music, Lassie stormed to the stage. He was always ready and horny".

"The other animals haven't suffered either", Bodil assures us. "You can only use a male animal when it wants it. Me being naked doesn't tempt the animal. But a female animal of its own species in the vicinity always get it going. Otherwise I've applied cunning hands. But I can't tell if the other way is cruelty. That is, a man fucking a female animal. But I don't think so.


"Once we shot a movie with a man and a cow. He was standing on a wooden box behind her. She chewed cud as he fucked her. Suddenly the box collapsed, and he ended up lying in the filth underneath her. She looked back with a surprised look on her face. As if she wanted to say: What a brutal orgasm.

"After a film with me and a bull, a lady phoned me and scolded me vigorously. She felt sorry for the bull. Said that I should use a broom stick if I was that horny. I explained to her that the bull weighed 700-800 kilos. So the harm my horniness could do it, was probably limited".

Bodil received many offers in those years. Married couples would like to come and see her, in order for the wife to try a stallion. And the man to try Bodil.
"But I was afraid to let other women do the same with the male animals as I. It requires a special technique. When they cum, their glans swells up, and it can split your vagina. I have had some stitches once I didn't pull it out in time.

"But the many offers told me that there was money to be made outside the porno business. I welcomed more and more men. And then I opened a massage parlour in Copenhagen. I've still got it, even though I look disenchanting.

"Many of my regular costumers from the good old days still come to see me. They just pay. Talk with me for a while. Then leave. Without touching me. I'm very happy that they come. But it hurts my female vanity that they don't touch me.


"It's often people with very special wishes that contact me". They have no inhibitions telling "The Boar Girl" about their "perversions" if the special wishes can be called that.


"I once had a man who wanted to play dog. He took all his clothes off. Then I put a collar on him, and walked him down Vesterbrogade [Street in the red light district of Copenhagen] with everybody watching. He crawled on his knees and hands. And pissed on the pavement.

"A police car pulled up, and they followed us for a while. I thought we were going to be arrested for indecent behaviour. I definitely felt like running away. I looked cautiously at the officers. Obviously they didn't know what todo. Suddenly they started laughing and drove off. I was relieved. And my "dog" gave me a thankful lick".

Before, Bodil was known for her happy soul. Disease and poverty has put an end to that. But now she laughs out loud as she remembers the dog walk. The schnapps has also given her a helping hand. In the past she didn't drink. But she has always been smoking. Up to a 100 cigarettes a day.
The 35 year old Bodil has for 15 years made a living doing sex of any description. Apart from beatings and torture she can do it all. But she's not very hot blooded. She's not the man eating she-animal men believe she is.

"I've never had an orgasm with a man I couldn't talk with. Men I've been just a little in love with" Bodil explains.
"Once I fucked with two men. I got them to my bed, and made them fuck me at the same time. That's the only occasion on which I have been as horny as my reputation.

"The animals have never satisfied me either... Neither has the shifting partners in live shows. Only the nice regular customers on the klinik have seen me have an orgasm.

"There was an occasion where I have been very horny, though I didn't feel much
sympathy.

"It was a young couple. He claimed that she had been unfaithful to her. I should help him punish her. We hung her in her arms from the ceiling and took her clothes off. She was small. But very shapely. Especially her tits were good. He scolded her. Hit her with a whip. Put needles in her nipples. Once in awhile he caressed my naked body as we stood right in front of her. We got on the bed, and deliberately made a very long foreplay with lots of kisses, terms of endearment and groping. I took in his cock very very slowly, making sure she saw every centimetre of it. He told her how lovely it was. What a good mistress I was. And how lousy a cunt she was compared to this.

"I was very turned on by this act because I could see on the beautiful young girl that she enjoyed it. She squirmed and moaned as if she had an orgasm, when I and her husband finished fucking, thrusting hard and screaming with delight.


"Quickly he untied her. They dressed. Took each others hands. And hurried home with a quick goodbye. I think they headed home for a wonderful night".


Bodil smiles thinking about the good times. Bodil is reaching the bottom of the bottle. She has turned 20 cigarettes into smoke within the last hour. Suddenly she gets very grave. Has troubles controlling her voice. It's not only the effect of the Schnapps. She's not well. Neither physically, nor mentally.


'Things went completely out of hand when 'Spot' died. I started taking sedatives. But when someone referred to them as 'loony-smarties' I threw them in the fireplace. Instead I started drinking and eating excessively. I gained 30 kilos. Doesn't look well on something that was going downhill anyway.


"'Spot' was a real german Sheppard that I got from an animals hospital 10 years ago. She had been beaten. She never became anything but a little, weak dog. I've never been able to talk to other girls. I've always been with men. 'Spot' was my female friend. She understood what I said. Was happy when I was happy. Was sad when I was. When we were alone in the house without light and heat we went to bed together. Shared a biscuit. And then we talked, until we fell asleep.
"'Spot' is the only living creature that has loved me for being just me. She didn't expect to get anything back. She soothed me when I was ill. I've experienced a lot with 'Lassie', and like him a lot. But it'll never be the same as with 'Spot'. 'Lassie' has been unfaithful to me. He's an every-girls-dog. 'Spot' was mine. Completely mine. That's why I had such a shock when she died. And started drinking, and eating myself fat in no time.

"I live with my man for 10 years and my eight year old daughter. Still I feel like the loneliest human being now that 'Spot' is dead.


"In those days I earned easy money in a tough line of work. I fell and fell. 'When will I reach the bottom?' I often ask myself these days. When I look in my scrap book, see myself as a handsome girl in love with
the world, it's like looking back on my future. "I have always had the will to get the best out of each and every day. It hasn't been a success. I didn't have skill and luck required to do this. Now it's too late. I can't go back and change the things..."

Bodil finishes off the bottle. Crumples the cigarette packet, and throws it in the wastebasket. There is no more water of life (Aqua vita = water of life = Schnapps) in the bottle. She throws it away.
The boar Girl is also used up. How much is left of the human Bodil Joensen? Not much if I am to judge by the last two hours of conversation. When I drive her home to her house in Grevinge hills [place 10 miles from Copenhagen] I have to drop her off just before we reach the driveway. She staggers the last metres to her cottage. Half the roof is missing. She has got something in common with her home. They both need to be restored.

===

[Bodil died January 3, 1985 from alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver]

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Up to my elbows in it

From: bobv@gummint.Gov (Bob von Buelow)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: Up to my elbows in it
Date: 16 Feb 1993 21:42:36 GMT


There have been a lot of second hand accounts of blood-and-guts here, usually starting off with something like "My wife is a medical examiner's assistant in Sheep-dip, Oklahoma and she said she once saw ...". And some of the first hand stuff is kept at arms distance. Or we are insulated by a Buick Roadmaster from the true essence of a fresh roadkill. Those great
I-was-eating-lunch-while-hip-deep-in-a-cesspool anecdotes are way too few and far between. Well I'm here to give a first hand account of up-to-the-shoulder in blood, guts, and shit. So get out your dinner, sit down, and enjoy.


*** Bunny-hugger alert. *** Better skip this post if you think it is just possible that Walt Disney was a naturalist.

*** Realist alert *** Take the Cane Toad test. If you not only would aim for those little devils, but would stop and inspect the results of Goodyear-meets-amphibian continue reading. If not, well, let's just say you've been warned. This post contains NO fiction.

Step 1: I kill it. Simple physics really. Get a 125 lb. whitetail deer to absorb 2500+ ft/lb of energy -- from a 30-06 rifle. I'd skip this step except the damn things won't hold still for the rest of the procedure unless I do this first.

variation a). it falls to the ground immediately, stone dead

variation b). it staggers around and you are obliged to give a second physics lesson.

variation c). it falls to the ground, but doesn't die. This way you get to walk up to it and administer the coup de grace eye-to-eye with your dinner-to-be.

sub-variation c'). One young man didn't understand that the coup de grace should NOT be administered from point blank range, in the ear, with a 30-30. The results were spectacular when we got there to load his prize in the truck. The eyes were bugged out a good inch-and-a-half, and with the tongue hanging way out it looked like something out of one of today's Ren and Stimpy cartoons.

Step 2: This is the good stuff. Now here's what I do next. Remove very sharp knife from sheath. Cut balls and penis of deer off, trying not to get piss all over everything (it dulls the knife). Discard -- no time for little games now! Carefully cut open the stomach from crotch to
rib cage. The first real joy now awaits as the internal gasses gently waft up to my nose. If I was real lucky the bullet ripped open the stomach and the partially digested deer-meal adds immeasurably to the joy of the moment.

Step 3: Now, taking a good grip on my knife I rip open the rib cage right up the middle as far up the neck as possible. If things are going well there should be blood at least to my elbow by now. And the blood is nice and warm too! Great on cold days to warm my hands up! If things aren't
going well some of the blood will be mine. Cracking a rib cage with a really sharp and hefty knife requires some force.

Step 4: Reach in with both hands and cut the windpipe way up in the neck. This is really fun. I am up to my elbows in mangled guts and lungs, I can't see what I doing, and I have a real sharp knife near my fingers. Proceed to rip the lungs from the back of the carcass. Everything should
now be held in only by the pellet-release-tube. Reach in and squeeze any remaining deer-shit out the rear. Cut the intestine and all the guts will fall out in a neat pile. (A.t.ers could save for later use.)

variation a). lift the whitetail's tail and give our friend a *complete* ream job (I know, I know, some a.t.ers will want to stop and do a rim job first) with the knife and push the resulting plug in before dumping the guts at your feet.

Pick out the still warm heart and save. Makes a good breakfast sliced thin and pan fried.

Step 5: Back at the ranch, string this guy up. I prefer head down, but others hang it by the neck. When the carcass cools a bit, RIP the skin off this dude. Now is the appropriate time to chop the head off too!

variation a). I like to remove the antlers by using a hack saw. Place the head in a vice and tighten until the jaw bones crack. Starting at the back of the head cut forward thru to about
eye level. About half the time I cut right thru the eyes. The brain is now open for . Pick brains out of the plate left attached to the antlers, or let maggots do the cleaning for you, both methods work just fine.

The rest is just a simple cut-thru-muscle-and-bone-and-call-it-meat operation. It does take a while to lose the blood-and-guts smell no matter how hard or often I wash my hands. Thank goodness. I know for a fact that there IS such a thing as true blood lust.

A second helping of venison hash anyone?

Now back to your regular scheduled programming.

--
Bob von Buelow Mars Observer Planning and Sequencing Element
bobv@gummint.gov - standard disclaimers apply -