Saturday, September 22, 2007

Up to my elbows in it

From: bobv@gummint.Gov (Bob von Buelow)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: Up to my elbows in it
Date: 16 Feb 1993 21:42:36 GMT

There have been a lot of second hand accounts of blood-and-guts here, usually starting off with something like "My wife is a medical examiner's assistant in Sheep-dip, Oklahoma and she said she once saw ...". And some of the first hand stuff is kept at arms distance. Or we are insulated by a Buick Roadmaster from the true essence of a fresh roadkill. Those great
I-was-eating-lunch-while-hip-deep-in-a-cesspool anecdotes are way too few and far between. Well I'm here to give a first hand account of up-to-the-shoulder in blood, guts, and shit. So get out your dinner, sit down, and enjoy.

*** Bunny-hugger alert. *** Better skip this post if you think it is just possible that Walt Disney was a naturalist.

*** Realist alert *** Take the Cane Toad test. If you not only would aim for those little devils, but would stop and inspect the results of Goodyear-meets-amphibian continue reading. If not, well, let's just say you've been warned. This post contains NO fiction.

Step 1: I kill it. Simple physics really. Get a 125 lb. whitetail deer to absorb 2500+ ft/lb of energy -- from a 30-06 rifle. I'd skip this step except the damn things won't hold still for the rest of the procedure unless I do this first.

variation a). it falls to the ground immediately, stone dead

variation b). it staggers around and you are obliged to give a second physics lesson.

variation c). it falls to the ground, but doesn't die. This way you get to walk up to it and administer the coup de grace eye-to-eye with your dinner-to-be.

sub-variation c'). One young man didn't understand that the coup de grace should NOT be administered from point blank range, in the ear, with a 30-30. The results were spectacular when we got there to load his prize in the truck. The eyes were bugged out a good inch-and-a-half, and with the tongue hanging way out it looked like something out of one of today's Ren and Stimpy cartoons.

Step 2: This is the good stuff. Now here's what I do next. Remove very sharp knife from sheath. Cut balls and penis of deer off, trying not to get piss all over everything (it dulls the knife). Discard -- no time for little games now! Carefully cut open the stomach from crotch to
rib cage. The first real joy now awaits as the internal gasses gently waft up to my nose. If I was real lucky the bullet ripped open the stomach and the partially digested deer-meal adds immeasurably to the joy of the moment.

Step 3: Now, taking a good grip on my knife I rip open the rib cage right up the middle as far up the neck as possible. If things are going well there should be blood at least to my elbow by now. And the blood is nice and warm too! Great on cold days to warm my hands up! If things aren't
going well some of the blood will be mine. Cracking a rib cage with a really sharp and hefty knife requires some force.

Step 4: Reach in with both hands and cut the windpipe way up in the neck. This is really fun. I am up to my elbows in mangled guts and lungs, I can't see what I doing, and I have a real sharp knife near my fingers. Proceed to rip the lungs from the back of the carcass. Everything should
now be held in only by the pellet-release-tube. Reach in and squeeze any remaining deer-shit out the rear. Cut the intestine and all the guts will fall out in a neat pile. (A.t.ers could save for later use.)

variation a). lift the whitetail's tail and give our friend a *complete* ream job (I know, I know, some a.t.ers will want to stop and do a rim job first) with the knife and push the resulting plug in before dumping the guts at your feet.

Pick out the still warm heart and save. Makes a good breakfast sliced thin and pan fried.

Step 5: Back at the ranch, string this guy up. I prefer head down, but others hang it by the neck. When the carcass cools a bit, RIP the skin off this dude. Now is the appropriate time to chop the head off too!

variation a). I like to remove the antlers by using a hack saw. Place the head in a vice and tighten until the jaw bones crack. Starting at the back of the head cut forward thru to about
eye level. About half the time I cut right thru the eyes. The brain is now open for . Pick brains out of the plate left attached to the antlers, or let maggots do the cleaning for you, both methods work just fine.

The rest is just a simple cut-thru-muscle-and-bone-and-call-it-meat operation. It does take a while to lose the blood-and-guts smell no matter how hard or often I wash my hands. Thank goodness. I know for a fact that there IS such a thing as true blood lust.

A second helping of venison hash anyone?

Now back to your regular scheduled programming.

Bob von Buelow Mars Observer Planning and Sequencing Element - standard disclaimers apply -


Eve L. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eve L. said...

This would make a great icon for an Atheist Nexus Ominvores group.