Tuesday, August 28, 2007

King Shit

King Shit (by Checkered Demon 1, circa 1991)

All these excrement stories are stirring up memories of a fine foul day, some 12 years ago, when my little brother decided to give anal birth to the biggest turd I have ever seen.

I was raised, in typical appalachian style, as poor white trash without running water. The outhouse is the center of many fond and wondrous memories for me; spiders, the combination of summer heat and the overpowering stench of centuries-old feces and urine allowed to fester, wasps, billions of biting flies, freezing cold winters, and little or no privacy available. But then, I am tasteless. My brother is not.

To his little-kid brain, the outhouse was a place of great terror and fear. He had been stung, as I remember, one time while trying his first on-my-own poop. He was terrified, and decided that the shitter was a BAD place, and little kids didn't even poop in bad places. So, with that knowledge, he decided. "I am not going to poop anymore."

My parents and I first noticed his odd behavior four days into his Ironman Sphincterclench Endurance Competition. He seemed to be sick, as he would occasionally get glassy-eyed and stand in deep concentration. Mom was concerned, but didn't say much other than "Are you feeling well? Are you sick?"

He was fine, he just hadn't shit in four days. And, his little-kid brain had neglected to realize that if you don't want to shit anymore, you must AT LEAST cut down on the amount of food you intake. If anything, he doubled the amount of food he ate, since he was not going to have to poop anymore.

He tells me now that day four was the worst day. After that, his butt seemed to enjoy the vacation, and didn't mind letting its work pile up, so to speak. Days five and six passed without much difference, but his odd attacks seemed to be more frequent and of a little more intensity than before, but a lot briefer. Mom really began to get worried. She thought he might be epileptic.

Day seven rolls around with a force that would not be denied much longer. Struggle and strain though he did, my brother decided that it was better to do that than ever have to dump anymore. He tells me that at this point, he had decided to poop again, but was afraid to, because of what might actually come out of his butt. (His brain, most likely). And the final clincher, he has an anal spasm during a vacation bible school meeting, and they bring him home because THEY think he is having an epileptic fit. I would wager that my anus would have puckered up about that time as well. Also, I'll bet that several of them thought he was going to speak in tongues, and kiss a rattlesnake, or somethinglike that.

Mom would not let him talk his way out of this; the truth had to come out. He confessed his crime against nature, and said he would start shitting again if Mom swore she wouldn't punish him, and that she would take him to the doctor if anything... unusual happened to him while he was excreting. She agreed, under the condition that he use a potty chair in the house, so that we could run to his side and laugh hysterically if something happened. That last bit wasn't strictly a part of the negotiations, but that is what happened.

By God's grace, I happened to be in earshot when the ThunderFudge(tm) decided to part company with my brother. The actual sounds went something like; " oh. Oh. OH. ow. Ow. OWWWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWWW!OWWWWWWWW! OWWWWWWWW!!!"

Oh, the humanity of it all.

I knew that he could hear me if I snickered, so I tried to suppress the urge, which, as we have seen in the last few paragraphs or so, urge suppression does not run in my genes.

I laughed out loud.


Louder each time.

He was pissed, but then, I wasn't the one who had decided to pinch a loaf for the rest of my life.

He and Mom then left to apply some medication to the area, leaving me wondering if I ever had children, would I ever have the inner strength to cope with a son as brain-dead as this one?

I snuck a peek into the storage room they had been in. What I saw astounded me. The butt-monster had run the length of the pot, a good seven inches, and then formed an L-shape and continued upwards for another solid (heh) foot. Towards the end of the process, my brother must have stood, to be able to fully excrete this DungO'Death (tm). It was smooth-surfaced, and looked like it was about five inches around. It was about the same color as mahogany.

It was taken to the outhouse, and laid to rest 15 feet below the surface of the seat. It didn't even break when it impacted with the mound; instead, it just sank in, like the King Shit that it truly was, ruling over all the other worthless pieces of shit around it. Nobility suited it well.

My brother recovered, eventually developed something similar to intelligence, and later on we both moved out of the house. That particular outhouse was abandoned, and another was constructed. But I still think of King Shit, covered now by many others, still the greatest one of all time.

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